As I get ready to start my maternity leave (yes, already!) The Hubs and I have sat down many a night to tackle some of the preparation questions.
Will I go back to work?
Will I go back to work, but at a different job?
Will day care for two kids be affordable on my current salary? How about on a salary from a different job?
Would I go insane not having an outside job and staying home with my kids all day? Or would I be glad to do it?
Should Bjorn continue daycare a few days a week while I am on leave? Does he need to be 'socialized'?
And the questions keep going and going. Right now we are trying to deal only with the stuff we can control at this time - namely, should Bjorn continue daycare while I am on leave.
The Hubs says yes. Not because of any socialization the kiddo needs. Not because he loves his daycare or he has fun playing with his friends. Because I need the time to grocery shop and relax and read before Peanut gets here. He says I deserve it.
And I completely agree. I do deserve it.
But I'm still not going to do it.
Because sometimes it is just time to Mom Up.
When Bjorn first came, he threw my whole world for a loop. I had no idea how selfish my life had been before - entire days off reading book after book on a lounge chair by the pool. Breakfast with 'The View', lunch with friends and afternoons window-shopping or getting a pedicure. Yes, I worked full-time. Yes, my house was clean, the laundry done and the fridge stocked, but most of my days were spent doing me things for. . . well. . .me.
Then Bjorn came and I read - a little bit. I window-shopped - some. And I got a pedicure only when The Hubs could watch him for a few hours in between feedings. My whole life became a lot less selfish.
I went back to work, put Bjorn in daycare and sometimes - not often, but yes, probably once every two weeks - Bjorn went just so I could have time by myself. To grocery shop or get my hair done or go to the dentist or just.freakin.sleep. I liked those days to myself.
But its time now to let those days slide away. Its time to Mom Up and Be.A.Mom. Embrace it fully. Throw myself into it. I'm not saying a Mom can't take days for herself; of course she can. In fact, I plan on doing it still after Peanut is here. But since I won't get paid on my maternity leave, I need to be more cautious with the cash flow. Paying for someone to watch Bjorn so I can relax is unnecessary. Instead, I will trade with my other Mommy friends - most of whom don't have family in town, either.
It's time now to grab the Mommy reins with both hands, to give into this new life I have chosen. It's time to realize that the way things were before will never be again, and that is a good thing. It's time to stop thinking about the books I can't read and the dresses I can't shop for, and think instead about the homemade bubbles we can make and the finger painting we can do.
It's time to Mom Up.