Those two combined = Trouble.
Because when things don't go my way (and even sometimes when they do!) I write a script in my head of all the characters (ahem. . . people) and what they are probably going to say and what I should say in return and how I should say it and exactly which Diane Von Furstenberg dress I will be wearing as I say it.
And of course my hair and makeup always look fabulous.
Rarely do I ever get the chance to actually use any of these conversations. But they are there if ever I find myself in the exact situation my insane brain created. And sometimes I get to pass my script on to someone in need. See, I'm just being altruistic!
A few weeks ago my friend Nicole was
But life doesn't stop because baby is mad.
So Baby Girl was fussing in her stroller, sometimes crying, but mostly whimpering and whining. Again, we've all been there.
When out of nowhere
To which my incredibly nice (and now humiliated) friend left her cart in the middle of the store and walked out. I think maybe with tears in her eyes. (In my script, it's that lone tear snaking its way slowly down her cheek. . . . . )
Nicole is a good mom. Very good mom. And I was so angry that some wrinkly old bat had embarrased to the point that she second-guessed herself and tried to put a baby (who didn't want to sleep) to nap rather than buy the toilet paper and chicken nuggets she needed.
"Did you tell her to go f*&k herself?" I asked, as I will use any situation to throw out the F-Bomb.
"Nope. I just walked out. What could I say to that?"
Wrong person to ask, Nicole. Because then I began to create my scenario.
A Snappy Comeback: A In-My-Head Script
I am walking around Big Savings Mart with Bjorn in a cart loaded with groceries. Although Bjorn is fussing - whiny, drooling, generally being a bit of a pain, I have it all held together. I talk calmly to him, every once in a while even gently coaxing a giggle. Until he goes back to fussing his way through his front teeth popping out. (I also have it all pulled together appearance-wise. No sweats for this Mama! A Mui Mui dress and simple accessories from H&M create the perfect blend of high design and affordability.)
When out of nowhere
To which I say,"I'm sorry. What was my name?"
"Ummm. . I don't know your name." the Wrinkly Old Woman replies.
"And what is his name?" I ask politely.
"Ummm. . I don't know his name, either."
"Ok. So you don't know me. You don't know my Baby. We don't know you. So mind your own f&*king business." I spin around on my gorgeous Stella McCartney flats and say sweetly over my shoulder. "And f%*k you."
Snappy or not, here I come.
This is part of Mama Kat's Writing Workshop. Head on over to check out what my friends had to say!!