Thursday, July 1, 2010

A Snappy Comeback: Writer's Workshop

Among other things, I am a writer and an actress.

Those two combined = Trouble.

Because when things don't go my way (and even sometimes when they do!) I write a script in my head of all the characters (ahem. . . people) and what they are probably going to say and what I should say in return and how I should say it and exactly which Diane Von Furstenberg dress I will be wearing as I say it.

And of course my hair and makeup always look fabulous.

Rarely do I ever get the chance to actually use any of these conversations. But they are there if ever I find myself in the exact situation my insane brain created. And sometimes I get to pass my script on to someone in need. See, I'm just being altruistic!

A few weeks ago my friend Nicole was eating lunch on free samples shopping at Big Savings Mart for some much-needed items. Her 10 month old daughter had been restless all day - not sleeping well, not eating well, teething. . . we've all been there. The whole works.

But life doesn't stop because baby is mad.

So Baby Girl was fussing in her stroller, sometimes crying, but mostly whimpering and whining. Again, we've all been there.

When out of nowhere The Wicked Witch of the West an old woman came up to Baby Girl in her stroller, leaned over as if to pinch her cute little cheeks and babytalked, "Awww. . does someone's Mama not know when Baby Girl's naptime is? Does your Mama not care? Does Mama think shopping is more important than letting you sleep when you're tired and not make you go out in public where you cry?"

To which my incredibly nice (and now humiliated) friend left her cart in the middle of the store and walked out. I think maybe with tears in her eyes. (In my script, it's that lone tear snaking its way slowly down her cheek. . . . . )

Nicole is a good mom. Very good mom. And I was so angry that some wrinkly old bat had embarrased to the point that she second-guessed herself and tried to put a baby (who didn't want to sleep) to nap rather than buy the toilet paper and chicken nuggets she needed.

"Did you tell her to go f*&k herself?" I asked, as I will use any situation to throw out the F-Bomb.

"Nope. I just walked out. What could I say to that?"

Wrong person to ask, Nicole. Because then I began to create my scenario.

A Snappy Comeback: A In-My-Head Script

I am walking around Big Savings Mart with Bjorn in a cart loaded with groceries. Although Bjorn is fussing - whiny, drooling, generally being a bit of a pain, I have it all held together. I talk calmly to him, every once in a while even gently coaxing a giggle. Until he goes back to fussing his way through his front teeth popping out. (I also have it all pulled together appearance-wise. No sweats for this Mama! A Mui Mui dress and simple accessories from H&M create the perfect blend of high design and affordability.)

When out of nowhere The Wicked Witch of the West an old woman comes up to Bjorn in the cart, leans over as if to pinch his cute little cheeks and babytalks, "Awww. . does someone's Mama not know when Baby Boy's naptime is? Does your Mama not care? Does Mama think shopping is more important than letting you sleep when you're tired and not make you go out in public where you cry?"

To which I say,"I'm sorry. What was my name?"

"Ummm. . I don't know your name." the Wrinkly Old Woman replies.

"And what is his name?" I ask politely.

"Ummm. . I don't know his name, either."

"Ok. So you don't know me. You don't know my Baby. We don't know you. So mind your own f&*king business." I spin around on my gorgeous Stella McCartney flats and say sweetly over my shoulder. "And f%*k you."

Snappy or not, here I come.

End scene.

This is part of Mama Kat's Writing Workshop. Head on over to check out what my friends had to say!!


Baby Mama said...

Love this!

Coma Girl said...

Very funny. And good for pretend-you, letting her have it!

Although, I'm with your friend, I would have walked out sobbing.

I never come up with snappy comebacks until I'm in the car on the way home, like George Costanza.

Lindsay said...


Mrs.Mayhem said...

Good one! I enjoyed you saying that you'll use any opportunity to drop the F bomb. Sounds like my husband.

I wish I could think of snappy comebacks.

The Spotted Hen said...

Too funny! Found you via Mama Kat's and I am so glad I did ... I needed a laugh. Thanks

Lesley said...

I'm quite sure I have run into "wrinkly old woman" a time or two myself. *Great script!* Maybe revise the ending to show you taking a watermelon out of your basket and laying it on the loaf of bread in her basket. Double whammy....SCORE!!

Mariliz said...

Oh yeah...I've met that women, and I loved your come back.

Mommy This and That said...

I always reply with "he actually just woke up, but thanks." That usually garners me a blank stare and they move on hurriedly.

Amber Page Writes said...

Yes, your version is much, much better. I wish I could think of things like that in those situations...but more likely, I'd just sob my heart out...or smack her, depending on how much sleep I'd had.

KLZ said...

This, this is why I hate other people.

But I love you...