Monday, May 24, 2010

How to Lose Your Baby Weight

Step 1: Bitch and moan for months about not losing the baby weight, and gaining those 51 friggin' pounds while you were pregnant.

Step 2: Join a gym 8 months after having your baby.

Step 3: Over-schedule yourself so you never have time to use said gym.

Step 4: When baby is 11 months and 2 weeks old, get really really sick. Like so sick that you can't get out of bed for three days, swallowing water is impossible and when the doctor asks what is wrong, you just look at him with big eyes and gasp "Fix me. Please."

Step 5: Stay in bed for three days, only getting up to take another swig of hydrocodone (in liquid form because - remember? - your throat is so swollen you could never swallow a pill) and antibiotics.

Step 6: Arise from your dirty, sweaty sheets to find that you have dropped 8 pounds in three days and are now back to pre-baby weight.

Step 7: Put on pre-Preggo shorts that just last week could not be coaxed or tugged past your knees and do a happy dance that they slide on easily with - gasp - even a little room to spare.

Step 8: Vow to get really really insanely and disgustingly sick about once every three months. Just to stay in shape.

Step 9: Cancel gym membership.


Amber Page Writes said...

is it wrong that this makes me a little bit jealous?

I think I'd almost get sick then have to go out there and sweat in 90 degree weather as I will be doing tonight.

MaggieK said...

Ethan will be 6 months tomorrow...and I am still complaining about how fat I am but doing little about it. I need to find time to go to the gym.

John, Becky and Olivia said...

I am angry that you only had 8 pounds left when Lando hit 11 months and 2 weeks. I had 22 left at one year.

AndBabyWillMake4 said...

I won't stop breastfeeding until he is 5! It has kept the wait off and I can still eat what I want. Do you know that the few times I have been that sick...I never lose a freaking pound???

Don and Jillian said...

It makes me both happy and sad to hear that you and everyone else commenting is still struggling with the baby weight one year (or less) later. Happy because I hate hearing about those moms who drop the weight and fit in pre-pregnancy pants at 6 weeks. Sad because it doesn't bode well for me losing the last 13 lbs any time soon.

Don't cancel that gym membership yet! Especially if they have a childcare center!! :)

Lindsay said...

Ya, I'm still fat from my pregnancy.... 2 years later! Now my excuse not to work at is to just wait until after the second one! Ha!

The sick routine is a good idea though!