Wednesday, April 28, 2010

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today I was four weeks from Bjorn's due date. From the day that would change everything. I had no clue that soon I would be so immersed in baby-doom that the pre-baby days would seem like something from a movie. A sometimes mundane and sometimes exciting movie, but still, a movie. Not my real life. This (poopy diapers, laundry folding and spit up) this is my real life.


But apparently not much has changed in the way I think. I still think in silly and completely random tidbits. Here is my post from One Year Ago Today:


Brain Freeze: Tuesday, April 28, 2009

At every appointment in the last few months, Doc has pulled out a measuring tape and measured from the top of the uterus to the bottom. (Which really means just measuring the belly - all of it.)

I feel like I'm a blank wall and he's trying to find the proper placement to hang a picture. Or maybe that's my nesting instinct talking.

Being almost 35 weeks at the time, and being kicked to a pulp the night before by Ninja Bjorn, I asked him if he could tell what position Bjorn is in.

After pushing and prodding enough to give Bjorn a few more dimples, he said that Bjorn was head down (where it's supposed to be and hopefully won't go anywhere), back to the right and legs curled aroung the other side. Kinda like this. And, you know, in the fetal position.



And my first thought?

Since he's head-down, does all the blood go rushing to his head? Is it like standing on your head for more than ten minutes or eating a Sonic slushie too fast and getting brain freeze?

I didn't ask Doc, but I'm still kinda interested in the answer. . . . .

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Honest, It's True

As early as elementary school, I was the one (in the teal, plastic-rimmed glasses) trying so desperately to win that award. Even if that award was given to those 3rd graders with perfect attendance. I have to go to school every day? So what? I wanted the award.

Competitive, much?!?

The obsession need to win awards and receive a million dollars praise has not diminished over the years. I still love awards. Even awards that come on flimsy paper that were probably printed from a home printer. Yeah, I'm kinda a big nerd.

So when I saw that I got this:



I was stoked.

First of all, getting an award means that someone loves me. You love me, Amber. You really do. I always knew it.

Secondly, getting this award means that I don't have to think of a blog to post for today. That all the thousands of disjointed sentences that are rolling around in my head like kids on a road trip before car seats and seatbelts can remain in there for just another few days until I can figure out exactly what it is I'm trying to say.

Because this award is easy. All I gotta do, according to The Empress, is tell you 10 things about me you may not know. Honestly. Maybe some gross things. Mybe some you never wanted to know at all.

Oh, so you mean I just have to overshare? Done. This is blog-world, after all. That's what I do. And most of this honest (s)crap is out there anyways. . . .

Here goes:

  • I don't shower every day. Sometimes, even every other day. I'm not about to wake up early just for cleanliness. And Bjorn doesn't nap well, and on the occasion that he does, I'm not going to waste my precious time wasting the Earth's most precious resource. (See? I'm just being green!) I'm going to read a book or shop online for designer labels I cannot afford. But shower? No. I'll just wipe the main parts with a baby wipe.

  • I love books. I read them over and over again. And I will read anything that comes my way - except fad-dy books. I never read Harry Potter. I won't read Twilight. If the vast majority of people like them, I probably won't read it. It's not that I think I'm better than them, but. . . I'm better than them.

  • I have about three dozen articles/pieces/monstrosities written that I want to send out for publication. Except not a single one has an ending paragraph/sentence. I'm scared to death to finish one because then I might actually have to send it out and I might actually have to put my heart on the line and I might actually get to be a real writer. And then what do I strive for?

  • When I began writing this post, I couldn't remember the term for "perfect attendance" so I typed in google "don't miss any days of school award". Sometimes I forget the words for the simplest of things.

  • I watch The View every morning. I love it. I don't know why. They are not particularly insightful or interesting. But I'm still addicted.

  • I have been known to buy shoes at Goodwill and garage sales. I have never caught a foot disease from any of them. And they were some damn good shoes for some damn good prices. My Hubs thinks its disgusting. Deal with it

  • I love bowling. Love it. Would be on a bowling team tomorrow - ugly polo team shirt and all - if the Hubs would join with me.

  • I think Jenna Fischer and I could be BFF's. Because I could have been Pam on The Office. And Darlene in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. I think JF and I even look alike. I was meant to be that famous, everyday-girl actress. Because of that, we should be friends.

  • I'm the most outgoing, sociable person you'll meet, but it's all a front. I'm really a big weenie when it comes to meeting new people. I get all nervous (inside) and practice what I'm going to say and try on fifteen different outfits until I get the perfect one. That's why I make such a great first impression, but I think the second and third are probably let-down's.

  • I have been known to drop Bjorn's burpcloth outside on the ground, accidentally roll over it with a muddy stroller wheel and then continue to use it. Oh yeah, and I give my kid non-organic food, cheerios I find in the bottom of my purse and he likes to chew on my car keys. Whatever. He's fine.

    I know none of this is life-changing stuff here, and I probably didn't tell you anything you didn't already know. But that's me. A non-life-changing, not-particularly-different-from-anyone-except-those-crazy-all-organic-germaphobe-moms kind of girl. In a nutshell.

    **EDIT**
    If I knew then what I know now, #10 of honest scrap would have been completely different. So, here, for your viewing pleasure is my additional #11:

  • Trash accumulates in my car until I refill my gas tank - about every two to three weeks. Soda cans, receipts, In and Out Burger takeout bags - they all get thrown into the backseat, waiting for that next trip to Circle K. Today as I filled up, I found, buried under a sweatshirt and lots of trash, a diaper. A used diaper. And since I haven't been in or driven my car since last Wednesday, it was a used diaper that was at least a week old. I'm just glad it wasn't poopy. But, man. . it's still gross!!

    According to the rules, I have to tag some peeps and they have to be honest, too. You're all tagged. Even you. And you. And you and you and you.

    Write it. Let the world know you and your quirks. Even if I did "forget" to mention some of the worst. . . . . (Hey - the rules only said to write 10 here and I got quite a few more than 10!)

  • Tuesday, April 20, 2010

    The Great Escape

    I think I'm a pretty good Mama. I let my boy play in dirt and the tupperware drawer (not at the same time). I look the other way when Daddy feeds him morsels of steak or spoonfuls of ice cream. And I always make sure that even if I don't get a shower or clean clothes that day - he always does.

    He has everything a little boy could want. So why is he always trying to escape?





    First it was through the doggie door. (And, yes, I AM a computer idiot. Can't figure out how to rotate my picture. Whatever.)

    Then he decided to ship himself off to Grandma and Grandpa. Thinks they have cooler toys there.

    If I'm such a good Mom, why does he keep trying to get away?!

    Sunday, April 18, 2010

    Baby Steps

    According to my sister-in-law, her sister and their pediatricians, a baby is considered "walking" when they begin walking while holding onto things.

    Like walking around the living room coffee table, never letting go - just chasing around and around like a dog after its own tail.

    Which Bjorn has been doing pretty much since he could stand.

    According to me, myself and I, my baby isn't considered "walking" until he can step more than just one or two steps. All by myself. Not holding onto me, Daddy, the coffee table or the dog. All by himself.

    Which means he began walking today.

    Tonight, to be exact. Right in front of Daddy and I. We both saw it. We both were there. Amazing. (Get this - we even captured it on video. Twice.)

    Half a dozen times he made it five or six steps, and one time he made it 14 steps. 14. That's alot of walkin' for a little boy who yesterday couldn't even do one.

    I have a walker. A little boy who is growing up waaaaay too fast. Slow this train down!!

    Thursday, April 15, 2010

    Babies change everything

    Having a baby has changed my life in so many ways - all those wonderful, heart-pumping, adorable ways that all Mama's talk about.

    But the most obvious, non-sentimental way?

    I can now be completely ready (shower, shave, makeup, dressed) and out the door in twenty minutes.

    Thanks, Bjorn. Your Daddy - and all the dinner reservations and party invites we will never, ever miss - thank you.

    Monday, April 12, 2010

    A blog about Mother.hood

    A while ago I woke up to check readership on my blog (yes, I do that) only to find that someone out there thought I was famous. Or that I was trying to be. Or that I was pretending to be someone who was acting like they weren't - but really were - famous.

    You can re-read about it here.

    Immediately I was hooked on watching the movie. A blog by the same name as my weirdly named blog? How could that be?! And about a woman caught up in the midst of chaotic motherhood while trying to be a writer so she can keep some little semblance of sanity in her life? Whoa. . . . now this is getting weird.

    Even weirder. . . . I drive a Volvo, too.

    So, since I have a baby that doesn't enjoy being snuck into a movie theatre only to be shushed the whole time, I have waited patiently for Mother.hood to come out on DVD and the second it did, I rushed to my Netflix account to add it before someone else could get it.

    Bjorn and I watched it Friday and I still don't have any clue why she named her blog the Bjorn Identity.

    I hope that I don't disclose super-personal material just because it makes for funny comments.

    The only time I have ever snapped at someone in a checkout line is not because they turned on me for being a 'hypocritical' NY Mom but because they made yet another comment about how fat I was when pregnant.

    And although I love Uma Thurman ( The Truth About Cats and Dogs has always been one of my faves!), watching her in this movie really wanted to make me take a shower everyday, put on some fresh makeup and shove my feet into something other than my go-to Teva flip flops. Maybe it was just that the essence of a harried and rushed errand-running Mama was too accurate. But I don't want to look like that. And Uma Thurman is gorgeous and a movie star. I'm not even on the best of days, so without a shower and makeup. . . . well. . .it's not a pretty sight.

    All in all, I wouldn't say it was the best movie. If you're a mom, you might want to skip this one. It is pretty much the busiest day in the life of you and me, and really, who wants to watch a movie about their day-to-day lives?

    I just wish I knew why she used The Bjorn Identity. That's still bugging me.

    Sunday, April 11, 2010

    Show me the money!!

    Anyone seen that new show on Sunday nights called 'Minute to Win it'? People have one minute (duh!) to accomplish stupid tasks that involve no skill and make them look absolutely ridiculous.

    Sounds like every college party I ever went to but with really great prize money.

    (Ha - my sis-in-law and I once threw a party where we sprayed the trampoline with a hose and bounced on those large exercise balls - the ones used for crunches and stuff - playing chicken. Seemed like a good idea along with the three kegs. . . . . )

    Anyways. . .

    I want to nominate Bjorn for the show.

    I keep telling him he should get a job already - at 10 months I was already working 30 hour weeks, but he thinks that he's going to coast through life on his good looks and charm and doesn't need a real job.

    So this show would be perfect.

    He can already unroll an entire roll of toilet paper in less than 30 seconds.

    And empty a box of Kleenex in the blink of an eye.

    While stuffing everything he can grab in his mouth before smiling and giving it all away.

    I think he's a shoo-in.

    Saturday, April 10, 2010

    C'mon in - make yourself at home!

    Ultimate Blog Party 2010

    Hi y'all - c'mon in! Welcome to my chocolate mousse-filled slice of the American dream.

    Excuse the mess. I have a 10 month old, a husband and a dog. This is about the cleanest you'll see this place. And those toys stacked up in a leaning tower next to the computer? Yeah, they're supposed to be there. Pottery Barn says it adds character to my decor.

    Here, have a seat. Let me just clear off that unfolded laundry off the couch. . . . . . there. A clear spot for you to sit. Ummmm. . .wait a minute. Looks like we have an old spit up stain. Let's just scrub that for a minute and. . .

    Ok. Now you can sit.

    Sit back and relax.

    What was that? Oh yeah, sure, put your feet up on my table. You don't even have to take off your shoes. If I made you un-shoe, then I would have to un-shoe and really, there is only so much a girl can think about.

    Can I get you something to drink? We have anything a baby mama could want: water, apple juice, milk, beer, gin, vodka and margaritas mixed and chilled in the freezer.

    Yes, I know it's only 10 o'clock in the morning, but I've already dealt with two baby tantrum, a mountain of laundry and dishes, a poop explosion worthy of the history books and I still didn't get to drink my coffee while it was hot.

    Margaritas it is, then.

    Frozen with salt on the rim. Just the way I like it, too. Cheers.

    The kiddo just fell asleep, which means I have twenty-six minutes exactly until he wakes up. Unless I can pop in his room and start his Baby Lullabies CD over from the beginning. I'm like Austin Powers the way I can sneak around corners without discovery.

    So tell me about yourself.

    You want me to start? Sure. No problem. I've always been very good at talking about myself.

    I'm a 28 year old, curly-haired, displaced Texan mama of the funnest, happiest baby boy. You don't believe me? Check this out!

    See, told ya.

    I'm not really a SAHM, but I'm not really a working mama, either. Kinda like Hannah Montana with the Best of Both Worlds. I'm a flight attendant, so while I do go to a job, I'm one of the lucky ones hardly working. Honestly, 99% of the time, the job is fun, easy and completely enjoyable. And, as an added perk, I usually only go to work about 7-8 days of the month. Which allows me 7 nights of uninterrupted sleep in a fancy hotel, well-equipped hotel gyms and spas and - this is the real splurge - as many books as I can read. That's right. A book. Cover to cover. Without interruption. It's a beautiful thing.

    And I don't mean to brag or anything, but I got myself a pretty great husband, too. Where else could I find a man who likes the same things I do (football, camping, motorcycles and stupid movies)? So I forgive him that he doesn't like all of the great things in life (parking lot roller coasters, reading and tofu Chinese food). He can make me madder than hell, but also like a kid on Christmas morning who just got his red Ryder BB gun. It's a good mix.

    I'm lucky that he's a pretty great dad, too.

    There's very few things in life that I won't try, so if you're looking for a partner on your next adventure, think of me. Unless it's scuba diving. I think after you've tried something four times, and you still shoot up to the surface hyperventilating because you are - gasp - three feet under water, then maybe it's time to call it quits. But I'd love to try hang-gliding. . . . . .

    This blog is mainly about my baby boy and my adventures in mamahood. I tried to have other blogs about my thoughts on politics and life in general, but I found that I barely had enough thoughts for one blog, much less two or three. And really, politics aren't that exciting. My kiddo is.

    Sorry, I've been rambling, but there is so much to say, ya know? I'm not just-a-mom, just-a-wife or just-a-girl-who-blogs. I'm me. uniquely, nuttily, sometimes ramblin' me.

    Ooops, the Bambino just woke up. Time just flew by and, of course, I forgot to repeat his CD.

    Come back again. Anytime. My fridge is always stocked and my door is always open.

    You'll just have to excuse the mess.

    Wednesday, April 7, 2010

    Wordless Wednesday

    Because of my lack of time, energy or motivation, I'm jumping on the Wordless Wednesday bandwagon and leaving you today with this:

    Happy Wednesday everyone!!