Sunday, December 27, 2009

Late Night Woes


Well, it's 11:30 pm and here I am, staring at a computer screen, mindlessly switching from blog-reading to playing games on Facebook.

And, yes, thanks for asking, I AM exhausted and would love to sleep.

Tell that to my running mind, though.

Technically, my first day back at work is tomorrow.

I say "technically" because I won't actually have to go back into work until after the New Year, and probably very few times even then until February.

This is the day I have been looking forward to as much as I have been dreading it. This is the day when I can finally go out in public without an appendage of drool and cries hanging on me and requesting more milk/more hugs/more smiles/more play. This is the time when I can have a conversation with another adult that doesn't revolve around what time he pooped, how much he pooped and exactly which new food it looked like.

This is the day when I leave my kiddo in the hands of someone who may be very capable but who isn't Mama. This is the day when my kid first begins his road to independence and learns to live a little bit of each day without me. This is the day I get on a plane and fly hundreds - if not thousands - of miles away from my boy, when I have only spent a handful of times and few dozen hours away from him.

So I can't sleep.

Because I didn't think it would happen so soon. I didn't think that I would want to stay home. And I still don't. But I don't want to go to work, either - at least my work.

My work that takes me so far away from those who mean the most to me (into the comfort of a quiet hotel room with no crying baby, ringing phone or laundry to fold). My work that takes me away from all the millions of things I really need to be doing (into a well-equipped hotel gym with indoor pool , spa, and a pitcher of chilled cucumber water waiting for me as I leave). My work that has never really fulfilled me, but has always very adequately provided (into a quiet room where, if I applied myself as much as I know I could, I could get great things done for a future that would keep me closer to those I want to be close to).

So, I requested information about a college program tonight. One that would give me great work possibilities close to home. But I would have to go to school a few nights a week for the next two years to complete it.

Another reason I sit here, not sleeping. Do I have the motivation to actually do this? I have been wanting to do this for years. I have talked about it for longer than I care to think about. Yet I keep making excuses to put it off.

I'm already paying for too many (unused) college degrees.

I don't want to leave my kid/Hubs for a few nights a week. (Ironic, considering my job, eh?)

I don't want to be the old chick in the class.

And the most important reason of all:
What if I fail and can't do this? Then what?

All these thoughts tumblin' around in this big ol' head of mine are causing me to stay awake although the baby is sleeping soundly, the Hubs has been fast asleep for hours and the dog is snoring softly.

Along with all these thoughts on my future and my abilities are more anxieties. Day care. Money. Obligations I have made that I wish that I hadn't. Laundry. Bills. My abilities as a Mama. Fitting into my work uniform or having to buy new ones.

Life. In. General.

When I was younger, I used to have Worry People. These are little yarn dolls about the size of a fingernail that fit into a little wooden box. When I had alot on your mind, I would tell each Worry Person one separate worry. Then, when that Worry Person had it, the worry would be off my shoulders and the Worry Person would carry the burden for me, giving me the chance to sleep unburdened. The Worry People would go into their little wooden box at night, and I would place them under my pillow. When I woke up in the morning, the Worry People would be there, but the worries would not.
Like the tooth and the Tooth Fairy.

I think I need to go out and buy me some Worry People.

1 comment:

AndBabyWillMake4 said...

Go get some Worry People, girl! You are taking a big step by going back to work, especially with the job you have. Think of it like won't have to do it forever if you go to school! And as for being the old chick...who cares, be the smart chick that is being a role model for her adorable son!