Saturday, September 27, 2008

Psychosomatic pregnancy and the proper use of bulk discounts

DTB asked me today again what made me take the test last Monday. Did I really just do it just because?

And I told him again that it was because he was teasing me all week. Last week, our friends - who are five months pregnant - were in town. So, in the spririt of pregnancy and hormonal women everywhere, his answer to everything was that I must be pregnant. Tired? Must be pregnant. Hungry? Must be pregnant. Didn't want to watch Law & Order SVU? Gotta be pregnant.

Then I thought about it some more. And I think it was something more than just the teasing. See, I have thought I was pregnant every month. Even when it was plainly obvious I was not, I still thought it was true. A sort of psychosomatic pregnancy. I began to feel nauseous and tired, forcing my body to feel the way I thought you were supposed to feel. I noticed changes in my skin, hair, nails and body, thinking every little change I noticed was pointing me to the direction of babies, diapers and all-night feedings.

I think I went through twenty pregnancy tests before the end of the first year of marriage. (Good thing I got them on bulk discount!) I tested days before you are supposed to be able to, and sometimes just because. Just to see. I took pregnancy tests when I couldn't concentrate, when I couldn't sleep and when every batch of brownies I made came out burned. After all, these could all be many signs I don't know about!

Always thinking, 'Hey, there's probably a 50/50 chance I am.Let's see.'

I guess I thought that this time, too. I thought, 'Hey. It's about that time. Let's try it and see. DTB has been teasing me about it alot.' But all the other tests were negative, so I just assumed this one would be, too.

But I passed this one with flying colors! Or, at least, with two lines.

Friday, September 26, 2008


I turned on the TV, only to find the channel already on 'Deal or No Deal'.

To the pregnancy 'Deal or No Deal'.

Yeah, thats right. She is about twenty-five months pregnant and she is playing Deal or No Deal.

Is pregnancy stuff everywhere???
Last night I saw a co-worker of mine for the first time in a few months. She was pregnant - obviously so. Wearing the pregnancy uniform (eek, I had forgotten about those!) that we have to wear during the last coupla months we can work.

I wanted so bad to tell her that I was pregnant, too. But I knew I couldn't. So I sat there and chatted like I normally do, while on the inside I was screaming 'Me too! Me too!!!!'

On another note. . .

Two days ago, a guy on the plane stopped me. He said,'I don't mean to be disrespectful, but. . . ' and I thought he was going to go on and on about how we don't serve meals anymore and he needs more than three peanuts in a bag and so on and so on. Instead, he follows that up with 'But your body is slamming!' (as he eyes me up and down) 'Slamming! And you are stacked!'

Now, this was the day after I had found out I was pregnant. The DAY AFTER. So, of course, the laughter just bubbles up from inside and I can't help but laugh and laugh. And I know he thought I was laughing because I was embarrassed (I wasn't) or flirting (most definetely wasn't) but I was laughing because of course I'm stacked - that's one of the first and earliest signs of pregnancy!!

I bet he would have changed his tune and ran as far as he could had I told him that the reason I was stacked was because my body is preparing to make milk for my unborn child!! But I just laughed.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

If one more person says baby, I'll. . . .

All I can think right now is BABY!!!!

Seriously. I have already been to about a million websites, discussing the first trimester, finding where to buy cute maternity clothes and discovering once and for all if I can get a tattoo while pregnant. (Cautioned against that. Whatever disease you might get from a needle, your baby might get also. Totally not worth it.)

I don't want the next 9 months (and the next 18 years, for that matter) to be about baby. Hopefully, this is just because it is all new and exciting and different. Hopefully, in a few weeks - after the first doctors appt - I can stop thinking about it all and get back to my life. After all, women have been having babies for thousands of years. I think I can do it all right, too.

It's not exactly Dr. Seuss

I need a book for DTB.

Yes, a book for the man who never reads. Except possibly in the bathroom. Even then I think there's more Tetris and Bubble-Popper on his Blackberry than reading going on.

When we got engaged, I immediately went to the big-and-overpriced bookstore to see if they had any insights on how to do this whole wedding thing properly. I came to the conclusion that weddings are a huge mess of who-wants-what-where and how-to-let-your-parents-run-the-show. Fortunately, I didn't waste my money on those books, preferring to plan by the seat of my pants and with a loose grasp on tradition and parental rights of vetoing.

But DTB found the book to calm his fears that I (or his mother, or mother-in-law) would become bridezillas. Called The Clueless Groom's Guide (by Peter van Dijk), it waylaid any fears on how to propose/buy groomsmans gifts/answer the ever important question 'Which buy-a-new-motorcycle-expensive invitations look best, the ones with the ribbon or with the monogram?'

And DTB read it, loved it and actually applied some of the principles in the book to our planning. (I believe that is where he got the idea to shut up and not say anything when my mom would call three times a night to ask about the exact color ribbon we needed.)

And now I need something just as funny, interesting and devoted to daddies who have no idea what they are getting into. (My book-to-read for mommies who have no idea what they are getting into is Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs.)

So, any ideas? Any clues? Anything to help prepare the utterly clueless??

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I have a secret

So, yesterday I found out that I'm pregnant.

I can only relate this now, in the calmest and simplest of terms, because I have had almost 48 hours of contemplation and acceptance.

Yesterday I was a mess.

After the first test said 'pregnant' (Or did it? Were there two lines or only one? Did a faint line mean that I was only 'sorta pregnant' or was I the whole shebang? Who thought of putting two lines on a pee stick as being the sort of thing women who are hormonal/emotional/teetering on the faint line - or is it two? - of insanity want to see?). . as I was saying. .

After the first test said 'pregnant', I did the first thing everyone I know would do (whether they admit it or not).

I looked online at all the cute maternity tops. You know, the ones that say 'It's not mine' and 'I only wanted a backrub'.

I was almost to the checkout page when a little voice inside stopped me, prodding me to go get some more tests. Just in case.

So the little voice and I went to the grocery store, buying sandwich meat, shampoo, vegetables and - oh yeah - a pregnancy test. This time, one that clicked off the seconds with an hourglass while it was thinking and then - WHAM - would announce that you were either pregnant, or not pregnant.

Again, I was pregnant. I think the test results are in, folks.

I just stared at the stick, wondering how something covered in my own pee could be so interesting. Involuntarily, my hand went to my mouth and when I looked in the mirror I saw that it was covering a big, shit-eating grin. Apparently, I was excited!

As an emotional girl with WAY too much time on her hands, I had already decided how I would tell DTB. (Not how I wanted to tell him - that would be to just call him up and say. 'Guess what? You did it, buddy! I'm preggo!' I wanted to do it that way because I can't keep a secret worth shit. But I knew that wasn't fair to him or the situation.) So, I rummaged thru garage sale clothes until I found an old, plain t-shirt of mine, cut the sleeves and neck, and, with a thick black Sharpie, wrote "I'm The Big Sister' on the back. Much to my dog's chagrin, this was for her.

And she did her part as best she could, running to the door the second DTB came home. (I really think it's because I told her she could take off the shirt after he had seen it on her. Little did I know, we would think it was so cute, she had to wait a few more hours!) DTB looked at her, read the shirt, and then said 'Huh?'

He always was very eloquent.

But he figured it out (my saying 'I think I'm pregnant' might have had something to do with that) and, after another pee-test proclaiming that I was, in fact, pregnant, he seemed to understand. And, he seemed to need to put his head between his knees and breathe. And drink. Can't say that I blame him. It's going to be a long nine months without alcohol for me.

Then I went to work today. (Oh yeah, I'm a flight attendant. So, its not like I just went to the office down the street. I'm two time zones away, in a hotel, and won't be back for three days.) Crazy thing to do. I felt like crying the first flight away from home. I held it together, though, and realized that I needed to work as much as I could before I couldn't work anymore. Let's see how long this phase lasts.

Regardless, the big news is.. . . . . I'm pregnant!!! And no one knows but me, you, DTB and the dog. And the dog ain't talking.